I walk alone.

Maybe other people are beginning to get scared of me. Or so I thought.

I know I should try to be optimistic about things which happen to me, that I should not always put the blame on anyone or on me for that matter. I should not let anything pull me down and stop me from being so ecstatic but sometimes, you reach a certain point when nothing makes sense at all.

My emotional tendencies attacked me again a while back after the grueling Calculus long test. I was having fun talks with my friends while thinking inside. I was watching. I was having thoughts. And the thoughts keep bothering me. I was hoping something or someone could erase or lift the thoughts inside my head because I know these thoughts would make me sick. And act foolish.

It’s like when I walk home everyday. I try to imagine if it weren’t this way. I dream about walking with someone, apart from my shadow, who, thank God has not left me. It’s the only one that walks beside me. I end my day watching the cars as they beep along Katipunan. They are so many. And it tells me how busy life can be and that I should stop observing but try “participating in life” instead. [I got this from reading The Perks of being a Wallflower”. I’m not done yet because it’s exam week, but hopefully, I’d finish reading the book before the weekends.] I imagine people rushing, the girls walking and sometimes, the kids laughing. These things somehow amaze me. Because that’s the least thing I could do. To watch others relish their lives while I watch mine fall towards doom.

But much as I don’t want others to think how morose my life is, I don’t want them also to feel like I need attention. I just want companionship. The kind of thing which makes you take no notice of the weight you’ve been hauling all your life. The thing which will make you idyllic regardless of your Fs in your grades and the truckloads of tasks you need to get done. The thing which will etch a smile on an emo kid. That thing which will make you feel complete even if you haven’t actually done anything. And it hurts to know that I am not even close to that feeling. I’m too distant. Maybe I’m seated farthest from the gate of happiness. And that I’m in the end of the long line of people given eternal bliss.

I just wish I’d reach that gate before all hopes are gone. Or is it just my eagerness playing a trick on me? Hopefully it’s the latter.