I smoke?

If you are one of my Facebook or Twitter friends, you probably saw my status that said "wants to puff". And yes, I really want to do it. I was in the backyard yesterday, lounging, I guess and I had this thing on my mind that if I were smoking, I would probably be doing it at that time, when I was feeling a little sucky. And for some reason, I was breathing heavier than normal, partly imagining than I was lighting a fcking cigarette.

If you know me well, smoking never interested me even if I was exposed to a lot of smokers. I had this idea etched on my mind that I would never do it unless it's the last possible thing I could do on Earth. I hated the smell and the smokers especially whenever they tell you in your face that they don't care whether you get affected by it as they stand there, on a high, while you try your best not to suck in the same air they're breathing. I guess I was a little concerned about my health and too worried that my parents would be disappointed of me that I didn't give in to the temptationS and the pressure to become "cooler".

But sometimes, it does make sense. If done moderately. I think it relaxes you a little bit and brings you somewhere else where everything doesn't matter. It's an escape and in that case, I need some escape. Just to not think of anything and free my mind. In case you are wondering, yeah I did smoke a couple of times (first two don't even count because I wasn't doing it right) in my life. I didn't do weed. Just cigarettes and hookah, and I admit it was a pleasure. Ha ha. I remember the first time, when some friend was doing it in front of me while we were relaxing at the poolside and she asked if I smoked. I said no and that I have no intentions of doing it.

"Come on, try it"

Just that and I gave in. Blame the damn booze and the freedom that I was feeling that time. Funny when I thought I was doing it right and was thinking, "Ooh, this is easier than I thought it would be." But was told in the face,

"No, you're not doing it right. Suck it in before you breathe out."

I did, and coughed. Was laughing inside. Ha ha. She told me to try other things too because it's all fun to do it while we're young. Too bad I didn't do anything next. 

I hate myself for trying too hard to be good. I feel imprisoned, like I have no right to behave badly. Oh yeah, I can't.

Sorry.