randomization

I am starting to feel that I'm starting to give up on my writing. Before, it has been my first love. Every inch of thought would be written, despite having syntactical errors and all. Now, I have become an art victim. I like everything artsy and even adore the passionate ones who even take dancing, singing or music therapy as their major. They're adorable to me or maybe it's all envy because most probably they won't be hating their jobs when they graduate.

Is this just a phase? Sometimes I even think the reason why I'm ____g is to add an oomph to my pseudo artisanship. Ha ha. But seriously, at some point I'd ask myself why am I on business. Sometimes I can't picture myself especially when we have business events in school and business attire would be required. Don't even get me started with Accounting because Accounting majors have always been a mystery to me. Such a boring and dull place to be in. And what's more annoying is I am getting good grades in it, hell, I'm such a bore.

And indeed, I remain to be arguably the most unlucky when it comes to love relationships. My Facebook relationship status has been growing spider webs all over it. There would always be problems, complications, girlfriends and whatnot. This world could never give me a fucking decent match. And is too much to ask for that one person I could always hug? Oh yea, I already found a solution to that. But still. Still. Still.

There's always something lacking. And if everything comes to worst, I would probably end up giving that guy a booty call. Ha ha ha.

Of course I'm joking. (?)

LOL. Oh fuck this.

had i been filthy rich..

I've been telling my friends I'm broke and that I only have forty bucks left in my wallet, plus a few change. You see, I've been telling this for weeks now and I feel terrible for myself. I could not go out sometimes because I don't have the money and I tend to choose cheap meals just so there would be some money left for me. I could not shop for the clothes and shoes that I want and I am depressed that this broken-ness is starting to take its toll on me. But above all this, I still haven't tried looking for a new job. My Foot Locker career has ended abruptly. Well, it's not yet official but ever since they cut hours, I was left unwanted because they prioritized full time workers which I was unfortunately not. I am now only left to depend on the allowance my parents give me and I feel guilty and useless for this over dependence.

Aaaah. I am a lazy bitch for not looking.

I will, one of these days. It's just that the pain of having to work again in a new environment stops me from doing it. Oh why can't all people just be rich?

And this broken-ness is bugging me because Spring Break cannot come any sooner and yet I don't have any plans made. The Florida promise is now blurry since my budget can't even make it to a hundred bucks. The Canada possibility also comes impossible because of this destitute condition. Give me a break.

All I want is another plane ride. Ha ha. Solo trips never fail to give me the rush. My last trip was the funniest so far because for the first time, almost everyone was already in the plane when I boarded. I was a little late and I didn't realize it. When I got in the gate the guards were like, "Oh there she is," Ha ha.

My seatmates were nice too. Remember "Paolo Nutini"? It was just nice talking to him and with the girl too on my right. Both of them were playing with their Macbooks, too bad I didn't bring mine. And during the last few hours on the plane, while Paolo and I were talking about his giving up on college and while he was sipping his whiskey to not be antsy, our seatmate was gone. God knows what she was doing after her friend said Hi to her on his way towards the back of the plane. Ha ha ha.

I'm lost again. Just felt like telling a story. Be back in a few. And March has been nice to me too so far. I love you, 2009.

Ha ha ha.

i don't want to sudy because i want to nap and i hate that it's wednesday tomorrow, the last day i'll ever see you

As if it's not yet enough, here I go for another bad temper release, along with the recent ramblings of my friends on their blogs. I can't believe we're all thinking 2008's the worst year ever. You guys don't even know how bad my year went. It went by so fast, I didn't even notice. You really don't have ANY idea how I gave up on most things, that I have officially become a silent creeper. Do you even notice the absence of interesting stories in my blog? All I've been doing is talk about movies, music and books because these are basically the things I relied on, to keep my sanity intact. I wept and cried at times, feeling depressed but thank the heavens today, I no longer feel anything. I'm too numb to even think about it.

And yes, I get what you guys are feeling. A suicidal attempt could somehow change the way of things? HAHA. How I wish. But I won't get there because I'm a robot, programmed to live in this life of sucky routines and I have no right to end it, until the master of fate tells me to do so. Indeed, I have no choice but to ride the waves, I don't even care where it'd take me.

But hey, my girls, I'll share you some activity that I do to release some of my congested anger. Write "fuck" on a paper as many times as possible. Write a name beside it even or follow it up with any noun imaginable. You'd be surprised at the delight it might cause you, it might even be orgasmic. (weh?)

Still too depressing, I hate that I can only tell myself how strongly I feel about you, how I see you in my dreams for the past days and how I countlessly think about holding your hand. Fuck life.

Anyway, thanks *Evan for making me feel better: "Go tell him how you feel. I don't think he'd reject you. You're pretty and you're nice." Too bad he's not you and no I won't do that because I won't throw myself at him looking helplessly desperate. Another fuck life on that.

So there, life must go on despite it being crappy. Here's a toast for the worst! Hahahahha.

*Not real name.

why Friendster didn't make it big in America

It won't be my first time to rant about this. 

It's terrible that my friends back in the Philippines still use Friendster. Why can't they make an account on Facebook so that everything will be fine? People should have seen this one coming. Long ago, (til now) Friendster had so many software glitches. I hate when you have to log out and in again when you change profile pictures, and the dozen lagging pages, and the pictures all over the place. It's too much. And does it even make sense that your recent updates say "updated 2 months ago"? I guess not. I first deleted my Friendster account September 2007 and decided to make one 3 months after when my friends and some relatives told me they could not contact me. Now I've read a lot of statements of abhorrence after some mysterious "Friendster losses": apparently more than half of their contacts were removed from the list. Oh how I would love for that thing to happen *especially to those pages adorned with glitters and audio and apps and everything clutter.

I think Friendster also tries too hard with the "Friend Finder", "Apps" and the news feed. (Hello, FB) Maybe the only original thing that can be attributed to them is their "It's Complicated" relationship status which I'm guilty of using once in my life. Hence, Friendster's logo should be frowning, not smiling.

Anyway, I don't know what's going to happen but I will still hold on to my account because of the few people I still contact through that platform. But other than that, I hope it crashes even further so all of the people migrate to Facebook for my convenience. 

*Sorry, I just love to hate and I know I am a hypocrite on some aspects but I can't stop myself from laughing at certain self-conceited people. I miss having enemies. 

no one cares

I have a lot of reasons to feel gloomy today.

1. B1 has completely forgotten me. I hate that I anticipated nothing and that even if I tried, I was unfortunately denied even the slightest friendship. I hate B1 for becoming a totally different person all of a sudden.
2. B2 is someone I miss although I doubt he misses me too. Our brief friendship is something I consider very confusing but fun for sure.
3. B3 had a short stint in my history yet he was one of the most memorable (I don't think it was him exactly, maybe some things we did together). Let it remain a one time magic.
4. B4 is a friend still.
5. B5 is a friend still.
6. B6 is black.
7. B7 is I don't even know why I liked him.
8. B8 was almost there but was irritable and now we're friends still.

And with all these in mind, I am annoyed. Some things remain the same and oh, how unfortunate am I for still having the dreaded pesky same shit?

school issues

Why am I thinking of school at 2:25 in the morning when I have work tomorrow? 

The thing is, this early, I am concerned with my current university because I think it is not as competitive. I had little information about college life when I moved here in the States so everything was a little bit "rushed." And now that I know more, and is more concerned about my future, I am thinking of transferring to Stony Brook, another state college near our area which fares better than my school. I can't believe I'm actually thinking about it, school hasn't even started and I haven't even finished the essay and resume I have to work on for a school job application.

But just so I have another perspective, do you think I should transfer to another university despite declaring my major in my current school and a good academic standing? I know it all depends on me, but what do you think?

I want to decide early on so I could fix issues beforehand.

VOTE ON MY POLL in the sidebar. ===>

The poll's gonna be stuck there until November 1st, the deadline for transfer applications in Stony Brook.

I'm not a Cook

I would probably make a really bad cook. Proof of which would only worsen the situation because I don't want to be laughed at extremely. Cooking is definitely one of my greatest frustrations along with singing and drawing. I remember the first time I ever fried food: I was in my dormitory, armed with my roommate's utensils. I was completely excited because I was never the type of person who'd run around the kitchen trying to cook food. So I tried to do what people are supposed to do with hotdogs: I took the plastic off then fried them. The minute the oil started screaming sssshhh, I almost shouted. It was the spur of the moment. lol. Finally, I did a bit of cooking and I was overjoyed. Don't give up on me yet.

And earlier, my Easter went blah. The family didn't even attend the Easter mass because of work so my brother had no choice but to live up with my cooking. I cooked kielbasa and tried frying eggs. And voila: raw Kielbasa and weirdly scrambled eggs. It was really embarrassing because I thought it would be easy but dang, it was sweating. The egg yolk was separated from the egg white and I thought the kielbasa was overcooked but went the opposite. Tsk tsk. Now you know something I am poor at even though I am a food fan. Too much TV can kill me: Top Chef seemed easy but clearly wasn't. How could chefs do those things?

Happy Easter, btw.

Another thing that I've been thinking about lately are my friends' reactions on my recent Multiply album. Did I really become extremely fat? I know I did a bit but the reactions were berserk. I really need to lose pounds and I must do it immediately. Peer pressure! Ha ha.

Anyway, I just made a quick update. I don't want the week to end with only one entry. My Spring Break ends in 39 minutes and I can't believe it.

Some Things That I Don't Understand

Credits to my sentimental sorority sister, Che for this list. She made one on her blog and now I want to make my own version because really, there are things that I really don't understand.

1. I am just wondering why people battle it out to get as much friends in their online accounts. You know, the usual, "So do you guys have MySpace?, Facebook, Friendster?" It is just annoying because what satisfaction can you get from 1000 "friends"?
2. Why do people cut class? I don't mean a single cut, I mean a week of cuts. The type which one day you'd get surprised to see that there's that person sitting beside you whom you haven't seen in MONTHS. Seriously, why pay for a college tuition if you plan on just skipping classes along with not turning in homeworks? Horrible.
3. Why do people stink? Can someone ask them to, for pete's sake, take a shower? Pleeeeaaase. This isn't being rude. This is just a reminder for everyone who, for some reason, are having a hard time taking a shower. You will not just help yourself in the process but the people around you as well.
4. Why do people pretend to be someone they are really not? This isn't something deep but I'm talking about the ones who put up photos of other people and tell the world it is them. I don't see the point. In the end, you'd just kill yourself for a life full of pretensions.
5. Why do people brag about their non-achievements? Is it because no one's noticing their worth? Not rude, just asking.
6. Why do people use SO in almost every sentence, make that word? I SO hate people who says SO SO many times. I'm SO irritated by it. I SO loathe it.
7. Why do people have to get thin? Our world tacitly demands thin people and equates beauty to being thin. I am not thin. I am average. But I SO want to get thin. LOL.
8. Why do we live in a world of obsolescence? Every thing's changing and I don't feel the same.
9. Why can't the Philippines have a decent government?
10. Why can't I have a MacBook Pro?? I want mooooolah.
11. Why are you reading this?

Idealism

"It's hard to keep idealism when you've already lost your innocence."

-some movie I've seen

I am getting old.

Nearly five days to go before Christmas. I can't believe a year had already gone past just like that. Time flies really quickly sometimes I think I have to run to keep up with it. This is why I want to involve myself in something to feel preoccupied. But since I have only the science of bumming as a choice, I bum.

In the rare occasions that I try to pause, thoughts come flocking in my mind. I think about what's gonna happen in my future given the path that I took. I can't help but think and ask myself what's gonna happen to me. Am I going to be successful? And happy? It's scary but I'm looking forward to it. I look back and remember that this wasn't the choice I made before and see myself now and laugh at how indecisive I seem.

But at the end of the day it all boils down to one thing: I am not getting any younger and soon enough, I have to deal with my life more and expose myself to reality. Life is getting hard, sometimes harder. And no matter who am I or what could have become of me, I feel I can overcome the highest highs and the lowest lows without that heavy feeling of sorts.

Irresponsible Drunkard

I am cramming tonight cause I went out last night. I only slept for three hours and I have yet to sleep for a couple of hours before waking up into another hell day.

Mike, moi, Ken, Eirrol and Dolly celebrating Mike's birthday last night.

I haven't studied for my Communications exam tomorrow and I hurried my Economics paper thereby producing a really gibberish research essay.

How responsible can I get.

And Ateneo ended its season today. Ouch.

And oh, it's my birthday in two hours.

Life's getting really exciting, don't you think?

Solstice

Have you ever wished you were lazy? Well I know I am but I mean the extremities. If I were another person, would you think I’d finish my tasks and maintain sober? I think not.

I have just realized one thing. And that’s how responsible I am.

Who would think that I would remain imprisoned inside the walls of my dormitory despite not having my parent’s noses at bay? That’s true. I could have gotten wasted and could have gone overboard. But I pick the boring choices. I study and study even without getting the rewards back. I am struggling, nearly in all aspects of life. And the hell gone tasks aren’t helping. They just keep getting on me. And I continue to wish I was lazier. But the ticking of to-do-list continues.

I hate it.

But I just love how I am sticking with the right things.

It helps to know that my parents firmly believe in the things I say. Whenever they’d ask my locations, I’d say this and they will believe. I am scared of the trust they’re giving me but I’m proud to say I haven’t given them lies. For the record.

But the wish to be lazier subsists. I could have witnessed Kirk Long’s fadeaway buzzer beater. Have longer sleep or puff cigarettes. Or swim in alcohol. That sucks. But you get what I mean. Life gets boring sometimes. Especially when you are also besieged by desperate attempts for company. My social life is at its lamest. Now you can’t blame me for asking the times to run faster. Loneliness creeps in when you eat dinner alone every night. I just keep wondering how I sustain sanity in a world with only me on it. This one’s bull.

Traffic.

It’s actually midnight but I’m still awake which is weird since I usually get sleepy at 4.30 in the afternoon. Seriously. You just get freakishly tired at the end of the day that you would just want to relax and chill and forget about everything. But tonight’s an exception. Yay! Maybe someone’s thinking of me! Ha ha. I wish.

Anyway, I had the urge to write because I just felt like condemning the traffic rules in the Philippines. Of all the horrible reasons why you would easily get hot-headed in the country, traffic is definitely the most LOATHE-able. I mean it. From my heart. Ha ha. The traffic in Manila, or anywhere else in the country will forever be a mystery to its people. Why the heck can’t Filipinos solve this bizarre crisis? Simple. Filipinos got no discipline.

You see, in the States, the distance from our house to dad’s work is like Sta.Rosa to Sucat. But, he can reach work by 30 minutes, or even less. Wow. That’s smooth. I know because there is no traffic in the States. Yeah, they have delays but not the sluggish type you’d experience in Paranaque or in EDSA where you could’ve done something productive inside the car had you brought something to work on. Agree?

And the other thing is when people try to play patintero with the cars along C5! I just wish the MMDA could raise the fines of jaywalking to like half a million peso just so an overpass can at least have a value. People can be so lazy, which makes them so infuriating.

No Swerving signs are of no use in SLEX. Traffic lights can be hassle to someone who’s running late. Screeching beeps so deafening. Stopping was never an option. Since no one seems to be in check then everyone can bend the rules. Boo. Kaya wala nang sumunod.

If we could just be disciplined, at least neither of us would be so hot-tempered when driving.

Now I wish I could drive.

But I guess the wish for a car should come first.

Ha ha.

See you on the road when I reach my legal age. ;p

Inverted Men forms half of Nemesis

Maybe once in your life you have felt so numb you literally don’t feel anything at all. Your body is shaking and you have no idea of whatever it is that you are probably feeling. You think and you feel like crying. You deem yourself as a loser who has gone so far and yet something from the ancient past remained clinging.

Guy’s way of thinking will forever be a mystery to me. Their minds are so unpredictable they will just surprise you with their erratic deeds. Sometimes you wonder why girls need guy’s fickle mindedness. They are such a pain in the ass. However, as much as I want to live with myself alone, probably with cats, *groan, it will still be endearing to find someone who will complement my supposed completeness.

I keep wondering why someone, let’s call him *Adam, tried texting me and tried to reconcile our so called “friendship”. It has been a year since our friendship which suddenly stopped because of the manly nature of cheating and now, when I have completely and happily scrubbed out all the memories I have shared with Adam, he tries to go back into the picture apologizing for whatever mistakes he admittedly committed. I am not saying a possible reconciliation here. He is speaking in terms of casual friendship which he is, ahem, requesting.

Do you think I am doing myself a favor if I approve us being friends again?

I think not. Long before his sudden texts, I already told myself I will never acknowledge whatever we had and thus, I won’t be accepting him again if ever he tried reconnecting. But now, I feel so unaffected so why should I complicate things if such matters have already occupied a primeval chapter in my wonderful life?

Guys are really a pain the ass. Shit. Faker. A-hole. Jerk.

Maybe I am bitter. But allowing us to be friends again is the same way as waving the red flag boldly saying “loser”.

So whatever it takes, I will not tolerate such action. Mind you, I really don’t care.